Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving thoughts

Today is Thanksgiving and I have been contemplating off and on all day what this holiday is about and trying to put into words all of the many things I have to be thankful for. I could in no way attempt to put them into words. Even through this difficult time in my life, God has been ever faithful to me, blessing me despite my flaws and unfaithfulness. I feel as if the last couple weeks I have been very withdrawn and selfish, hiding in my hole, unwilling to join in with the rest of the world. Things in my life have been very busy, but I have also been numb.
Today has been a wonderful day of family and food. Mom and I did a pretty good job of cooking for everyone (if I do say so myself). I really felt like Grandmother would have been proud of us. In fact I KNOW that she is proud of me!
Thank you so much (the few of you that do read this:)) for keeping me/us in your prayers these past few weeks. I am hoping that this continues to get easier, and that I will once again feel connected to the world around me. I would like to be blogging about "lighter" things and also have the time and energy to post some pictures as well.

Monday, November 17, 2008

She's with Jesus

Early this morning my grandmother went to be with Jesus.

Today has been very emotional and I know that the next few days will be even more so. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. This is not easy.

Right now I am sitting on grandmother's couch kind of numb. Overall I am at peace. She lived a wonderful life and is finally free from all of the pain. Yes it hurts, and yes I have cried. I am sure my time for shedding tears is not over. But I know that Jesus is looking after my grandmother now and who could do a better job than that?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Yesterday and today...

We went to the hospital again today. Even though Mom had called earlier in the day and given me a heads up I was amazed at the drastic difference from yesterday to today. Yesterday she was sitting up and talking, today she was sleeping and moaning/crying out. Yesterday she knew who each of us was and was able to tell us she loved us, today she was unaware we were even in the room. Yesterday she ate and drank, today she couldnt even swallow her pain meds (the only meds they are now giving).
Needless to say these are only a few of the changes we each witnessed today. Even though she was unable to talk with us or was even aware we were in the room we took turns going into her room and simply being with her. Some of us had things to say, others wanted to say goodbye. I found myself unable to leave her side. For the longest time I simply stood there and watched her. I was not exceptionally sad, I just needed to be there. I prayed, told her I loved her, and held her hand. After awhile I left only so that others could have their time with her. Wondering if I would get to see her again at all. Wondering if I would be ok if I didnt.
Yesterday I found myself at peace with the decisions being made and what they meant. Today I am not so sure.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Grief and prayers

Many of my posts from the last couple of weeks/months have mentioned my grandmother and how difficult life has become around here lately. After many, many years of sickness she has finally reaching the end of her time here on Earth. She is in an indescribable amount of pain and knows that there is nothing the doctors can do to heal her problems. Our family has watched her condition deteriorate over the last couple of months into areas we never thought we would have to go. This whole process has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. My grandmother is probably the closest family member I have. While I have known for years that it would be difficult for me to process her passing I never imagined that things would be like this. It is so hard for me to watch her suffer and not be able to do anything about it. She is such a strong and independent person. Losing the ability to walk and care for herself has been very difficult.

Please be in prayer as our family works through these last few days my grandmother has to spend on Earth with us. Pray that we would do things honorably by her and not try to act selfishly out of our pain. Pray that we know what we need to do or say and that we can adjust to medical help coming in to help us during these last few days. Pray that when the time comes for her to pass that things go as smoothly and painlessly as possible. And pray also for our family as we look at facing the holidays without a very important and dear family member.

There is so much that I love about my grandmother! More to follow on that when time and energy allows.

I will try to post updates on her condition and how you can best pray as I am able. If you do not see a post from me know that it may be as much from exhaustion or lack of words than from something major happening.

Days of Gratitude revisited

I have not forgotten my goal of writing down the things I am thankful for--it just has become difficult for a variety of reasons. There are so many things that I am thankful for, and God is so faithful to bring them to me every day. Unfortunately life has dealt me other cards right now and it has become harder for me to find the time to sit down and blog or to try to put my thoughts into words when I do have the time. Often when I have "free" time, I am tired from all that life is bringing my way and end up falling asleep.

Since I have missed so many days in recording my grateful thoughts I am just going to list a few today. I am not sure if I will have time to come back and update or not. At this point I am not even sure if I will be able to post on Thanksgiving.
So for now here are my thankful and grateful thoughts:
*Rainbows--a visible reminder of God's promises
*Prayers--I cannot even begin to describe valuable these are to me right now
*Aaron--again...words cannot describe
*finally getting to sleep in
*bob's successful surgery
*getting to spend time with family and friends

I have many more...but yet again exhaustion is setting in.
Thanks for "listening" and being there. I hope that all of you take a little time to recognize all of the gifts God has given you. If you post any on your blog let me know as I would love share in them with you.

Monday, November 3, 2008

24) the little things...

The things that have touched my heart the most lately are the little things. The smiles from my tearbucket kid at school, my fiance thinking to bring me a cherry limeaide and rose at work just cause, happy hour at sonic, my j-bug, an extra hour's sleep, conversations with old friends, purple, a friendly word from a co-worker, favorite pair of jeans, plans with friends, new photos of those that i love, grandparents, getting to plan my wedding, Nicole C. Mullen!, etc.
I could be here for hours and not even touch the surface. God has been so good to me. Even with all that is going on in my life right now I am amazed by these little blessings He sends my way each and every day to remind me just how much He loves me.

Hopefully over the next couple of days I can do a better job of posting.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Days of Gratitude

While I was blog surfing/stalking earlier tonight I found a post encouraging you to write a message or note of gratitude on the days leading up to Thanksgiving. So, starting tomorrow I will be attempting to record the things I am grateful for here on my blog. I know that anything I post will only be skimming the surface of the blessings God has poured out on my life.

rambling updates

I apologize for the long wait on whether or not I made it through my last week of utter chaos. I will try not to lose sleep over the severe lack of inquiry into my status :). After many (and often late) hours and an unplanned extra day off, I finished my thesis!!!!!
Life since then has not slowed down as much as I really would have liked. In fact, it took me a few days before I mentally felt like I was finished and could relax and enjoy things. Guess that just goes to show how stressed and consumed I was.
I have enjoyed a night or two of simply sitting and enjoying life. It is nice to know that I can do the things I need to do and still have some time left over for the things that I want to do. I have caught up on some cleaning, though I still have more to do. I have also had a chance to read for pleasure! What a strange concept that has been!
Life at work has been anything but dull lately. I have had some trouble recently with parents and cannot seem to be tough enough for some but yet others are saying I'm too tough. This past week alone had so many ups and downs that I began to even doubt why I am in teaching at all. Fortunately I left school Friday with things being as good as they can be for now and feeling like I could enjoy my weekend. Please be in prayer for things at work to start looking up consistently.
And for those of you who are wondering how the wedding planning is going..........I have my dress!!! Unfortunately I cannot post pictures on here b/c the dear fiance does check the blog occasionally. If you need to see a pic before the big day then email me and I will be sure to send you a pic. So right now I am working on selecting bridesmaids dresses, and trying to nail down catering, photographers, and florists. It is easy for me to see how people can get so consumed by their weddings and others simply choose to elope.
Hopefully since my paper is finished I can start to update on a more regular basis.