Thursday, September 25, 2008

I dont know how...

I had a great time tonight with my mother. We got together this afternoon and went over to Asheville for the bridal show. It was fun going around and seeing all of the vendors and what was available. It was fun to be able to share it with my mother.
I came home bubbly and happy, wishing to share it with my grandmother, Lynn, and a few others who were at my house. In all of the fun I had all night I had managed to temporarily forget all of the troubles going on at home before I left. Grandmother tried to put on a smile for us as we came home and listened to a few of the "highlights" from our evening. And then she let loose...
With no warning at all I became the target. Most of the time I am able to deflect the pain from these jabs, knowing deep down that it is not her. But tonight it hit me, and it hit me hard. I came out of her room where she had told me to "back off" and began to cry. I came downstairs, fell to the floor beside my bed and sobbed.
Even as I sit here now the tears fall.
I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to sit back and watch her suffer. I dont know how to keep the jabs from hurting. I want to be able to share my life with her, to turn to her just like I always have been able to. To feel and not just know that she loves me. I dont know how to watch the person that I have been closest to my whole life die. And worst of all to die so slowly and painfully. My heart (and right now the rest of my physical body) hurt so very deeply.

Monday, September 22, 2008


I cannot believe that it has been so long since my last post. I am grateful for those of you who still take the time to try and check in on my life. It means so very much to me to see your sweet and encouraging comments.

Life has been very very busy lately. I have loved EVERY minute of having Aaron in Haywood County with me!!! I think I had forgotten how wonderful it was to have him around all the time. I have yet to tire of seeing his handsome face or wish that he had something else to do instead of come see me :). We are both looking forward to enjoying this new stage of life as we prepare for our next stage of life...marriage!
I am still not finished with my thesis:(. I did complete and present my final presentation, which went really well. Now to just force myself to sit down and work on that pesky paper. I have faith that God will see me through until the end. I cannot wait to report to all of you that I am finished!
My awesome bro-in-law to be is taking his turn as a patient in the hospital in Winston right now. While I have not been able to be with their sweet family physically I have spent many moments on my knees in prayer for his full and speedy recovery. Christal has been amazing at updating everyone on their family blog I am continuing to pray for God's healing hands upon Sean!
My grandmother is holding steady right now. She is still in a lot of pain and has many ups and downs. We should find out in the next couple of days whether or not Hospice will be coming in to help. Please continue to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers as this is not an easy journey for any of us.

Well I'm sure that doesnt cover everything but I hope that it offers a bit of insight into what life is holding for me right now (and possibly excuses my lack of posts recently)