I had a great time tonight with my mother. We got together this afternoon and went over to Asheville for the bridal show. It was fun going around and seeing all of the vendors and what was available. It was fun to be able to share it with my mother.
I came home bubbly and happy, wishing to share it with my grandmother, Lynn, and a few others who were at my house. In all of the fun I had all night I had managed to temporarily forget all of the troubles going on at home before I left. Grandmother tried to put on a smile for us as we came home and listened to a few of the "highlights" from our evening. And then she let loose...
With no warning at all I became the target. Most of the time I am able to deflect the pain from these jabs, knowing deep down that it is not her. But tonight it hit me, and it hit me hard. I came out of her room where she had told me to "back off" and began to cry. I came downstairs, fell to the floor beside my bed and sobbed.
Even as I sit here now the tears fall.
I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to sit back and watch her suffer. I dont know how to keep the jabs from hurting. I want to be able to share my life with her, to turn to her just like I always have been able to. To feel and not just know that she loves me. I dont know how to watch the person that I have been closest to my whole life die. And worst of all to die so slowly and painfully. My heart (and right now the rest of my physical body) hurt so very deeply.