Aaron left this afternoon and even in the last few hours before he left I found myself longing. Longing for more time (despite the fact that I'd already been graced with one more day), longing for this leaving crud to be over, longing to have my thesis written and behind me, longing to be married and have kids. Longing for so many things. Things that I know are part of what God has planned for me, at some point. I guess the factor for me is that the time for those things is not now. I have no reason for being impatient with God. Who am I to think that I would want things any way other than the way He has planned for me? 90% of the time I understand why things are the way the are and know that deep down I would not want them any different. Lately it seems that I seem to be living in that other 10%. The 10% of the time where I am not satisfied with where I am, with who I am, the 10% of the time where I find myself longing to be someone else/to be doing something else.
It seems easier to wish that things could be some other way than to be satisfied with who/where I am in life right now. I am amazed at how much time I have wasted (in just these last few days even), time that I could have spent working on my thesis, one of any number of projects, etc. I spent time on my drive home tonight wondering and asking God for an explination as to why I seemed unsatisfied. In some ways I could just feel God staring back at me as if to say "You've got to be kidding, could you really not understand how you wound up here"? And yet in the next flash I could see His arms extending towards me begging me to come back into His security and comfort. God knows what's best for me and yet I, in my flesh, fight Him--wanting to do things on my own. What a stubborn and ungrateful child I am sometimes.