Grief has a funny way of creeping in when you least expect it to. Earlier this week I found myself alone on the beach and wasnt sad in the least. I knew I had the time and space to deal with anything I wanted in any way that I wanted but the tears etc just never came.
Then there is tonight. I stayed up late to finish a book I started yesterday and as I closed the book this overwhelming wave of grief hit me. I got out of bed and came into the living room so that I wouldnt wake Lynn and also to get something for my dripping nose.
In the blink of an eye I miss nearly everything about her. I want her to come and hold my hand, run her hands through my hair, tell me she loves me and how proud of me she is. I want to walk with her on the beach, to share the joys of our upcoming wedding, to plan what we're going to eat for dinner, to sit and rock on the porch together. I want her to be here on this trip with me, to be there as I come home from trips and listen to all of my adventures. I miss her so much! I am amazed at the physical pain I feel in my chest as my heart hurts.
I know that she is in Heaven, finally healed and happy with Jesus, but on nights like tonight that does little for my wounded heart.
Right now I just want her back. I want what we used to have.