My heart is heavy tonight

My heart is very heavy tonight. Nearly all day off and on I have thought about my grandmother. How she is in a MUCH better place, how I miss her, how I managed to get through my first year without her, etc.
On top of that I have been thinking about my grandfather. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday with chest pains and now tomorrow he is facing open heart surgery. My family is thankful that it was caught now (the docs said if it had not been he probably would have been dead within the year) and that there is the capability of fixing things. My grandfather is scared and even with the best outcome tomorrow will be facing a long road to recovery.

Please sweet friends be in prayer for my family tonight. We are thankful to have Jesus to turn to and trust that we are in his hands, but this is tough. I dont want to walk this road. Not this soon.

Grief

Grief has a funny way of creeping in when you least expect it to. Earlier this week I found myself alone on the beach and wasnt sad in the least. I knew I had the time and space to deal with anything I wanted in any way that I wanted but the tears etc just never came.
Then there is tonight. I stayed up late to finish a book I started yesterday and as I closed the book this overwhelming wave of grief hit me. I got out of bed and came into the living room so that I wouldnt wake Lynn and also to get something for my dripping nose.
In the blink of an eye I miss nearly everything about her. I want her to come and hold my hand, run her hands through my hair, tell me she loves me and how proud of me she is. I want to walk with her on the beach, to share the joys of our upcoming wedding, to plan what we're going to eat for dinner, to sit and rock on the porch together. I want her to be here on this trip with me, to be there as I come home from trips and listen to all of my adventures. I miss her so much! I am amazed at the physical pain I feel in my chest as my heart hurts.
I know that she is in Heaven, finally healed and happy with Jesus, but on nights like tonight that does little for my wounded heart.
Right now I just want her back. I want what we used to have.

Beach Therapy

From the get go of this trip I have had mixed feelings. This is the first trip I have taken since my grandmother passed away in November. Trips were our thing, we went on nearly all of them together and when she couldn't go with me she tried her best to pay for part of my trip. With that being said I was not sure I was ready to take a trip without her, especially with Lynn who was the third sidekick, my other "funny lady".

Right away in the car we both admitted we were having mixed feelings about things but felt as if we needed to do this. One way or another we would make it through this new normal together.

It has helped somewhat that Lynn's friend Donna has made the trip with us. It is definately different and I still miss my grandmother something fierce.

I am grateful for the opportunity to make this trip with people who will allow me to process this as I need to. It has been nice to do things at my own speed (esp. since life has not done a lot of that this past year).

So far we have laughed and cried, played cards, walked on the beach, swam in the pool and enjoyed some great food and rest.

broken

Tonight while I should be working on a number of things (nevermind it is after 12 already and I have to "teach" school tomorrow, possibly without an assistant, I feel the need to post.
For days now I have looked at my blog and felt like I should update so that people can read and discover that I have accomplished many things off of the ol to do list found in the last post. But I never could seem to find the energy. This past month (well year to be more precise) has been simply exhausting. Never in my rather young life have I felt so drained day after day. While I could go on and on tonight I simply come to you broken.
I am broken over what has happened in my life this year. As I started to pack up my professional life yesterday, I opened the first cabinet and sat staring. Then I began to cry. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed with all that I had to do and the little amount of time in which to do it. I was also frustrated with the ending or perhaps delaying of a dream I have carried in my heart for nearly my entire life. Even as I sit here typing all of this out the tears roll down my face. I am broken friends. I do not know where God is driving this crazy train I am on and sometimes I even wonder if I want to continue the ride.
This week is turning out to be so much harder than I ever imagined it to be--and it's only Monday.
Please pray for me over the coming weeks and months. I am trusting that the Lord will show me His will and point me in the direction I am to go. I am also trusting that He will restore peace and joy in my life.

She's with Jesus

Early this morning my grandmother went to be with Jesus.

Today has been very emotional and I know that the next few days will be even more so. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. This is not easy.

Right now I am sitting on grandmother's couch kind of numb. Overall I am at peace. She lived a wonderful life and is finally free from all of the pain. Yes it hurts, and yes I have cried. I am sure my time for shedding tears is not over. But I know that Jesus is looking after my grandmother now and who could do a better job than that?

Yesterday and today...

We went to the hospital again today. Even though Mom had called earlier in the day and given me a heads up I was amazed at the drastic difference from yesterday to today. Yesterday she was sitting up and talking, today she was sleeping and moaning/crying out. Yesterday she knew who each of us was and was able to tell us she loved us, today she was unaware we were even in the room. Yesterday she ate and drank, today she couldnt even swallow her pain meds (the only meds they are now giving).
Needless to say these are only a few of the changes we each witnessed today. Even though she was unable to talk with us or was even aware we were in the room we took turns going into her room and simply being with her. Some of us had things to say, others wanted to say goodbye. I found myself unable to leave her side. For the longest time I simply stood there and watched her. I was not exceptionally sad, I just needed to be there. I prayed, told her I loved her, and held her hand. After awhile I left only so that others could have their time with her. Wondering if I would get to see her again at all. Wondering if I would be ok if I didnt.
Yesterday I found myself at peace with the decisions being made and what they meant. Today I am not so sure.

Grief and prayers

Many of my posts from the last couple of weeks/months have mentioned my grandmother and how difficult life has become around here lately. After many, many years of sickness she has finally reaching the end of her time here on Earth. She is in an indescribable amount of pain and knows that there is nothing the doctors can do to heal her problems. Our family has watched her condition deteriorate over the last couple of months into areas we never thought we would have to go. This whole process has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. My grandmother is probably the closest family member I have. While I have known for years that it would be difficult for me to process her passing I never imagined that things would be like this. It is so hard for me to watch her suffer and not be able to do anything about it. She is such a strong and independent person. Losing the ability to walk and care for herself has been very difficult.

Please be in prayer as our family works through these last few days my grandmother has to spend on Earth with us. Pray that we would do things honorably by her and not try to act selfishly out of our pain. Pray that we know what we need to do or say and that we can adjust to medical help coming in to help us during these last few days. Pray that when the time comes for her to pass that things go as smoothly and painlessly as possible. And pray also for our family as we look at facing the holidays without a very important and dear family member.

There is so much that I love about my grandmother! More to follow on that when time and energy allows.

I will try to post updates on her condition and how you can best pray as I am able. If you do not see a post from me know that it may be as much from exhaustion or lack of words than from something major happening.