I was doing so well

I was doing well keeping up with my days of gratitude until this week. Sad since we arent that far into the month yet. Oh well. The good thing is my son is well fed and happy, not that my blog has been updated. I'm going to make tonights post quick since I'm tired and we have a busy weekend ahead of us.
11/10 I'm grateful for my meals our friends/family have prepared for us in this new season of our lives. It has been so nice to focus on our son and not what we need to do about food.
11/11 I'm grateful for the time I had with my grandmother and that she is now with Jesus and no longer suffering. There have been times where I catch myself wanting to introduce her to Jeremiah and I find myself thinking about her a lot during this season since it is close to her birthday, the day she passed away and also the holidays which were so big for our family. And while I get sad for a few moments I cant help but be grateful for the many years we had together.
11/12 I am grateful for cameras and the blessing of capturing memories. Words cannot describe what having pictures of my family and friends means to me. I love having both the important events and the daily moments captured for us to look back on.

My heart is heavy tonight

My heart is very heavy tonight. Nearly all day off and on I have thought about my grandmother. How she is in a MUCH better place, how I miss her, how I managed to get through my first year without her, etc.
On top of that I have been thinking about my grandfather. He was admitted to the hospital yesterday with chest pains and now tomorrow he is facing open heart surgery. My family is thankful that it was caught now (the docs said if it had not been he probably would have been dead within the year) and that there is the capability of fixing things. My grandfather is scared and even with the best outcome tomorrow will be facing a long road to recovery.

Please sweet friends be in prayer for my family tonight. We are thankful to have Jesus to turn to and trust that we are in his hands, but this is tough. I dont want to walk this road. Not this soon.

a bit of this and that

I have not blogged in forever. Life has just been busy. Despite not having a full time job I am staying pretty busy. I am amazed at all of the various activities that now fill my days. Since I am tired (and also needing to work some more on cleaning and organizing) I am going to give a quick recap.
Since our wedding/honeymoon I have been in Abby's wedding, worked out with mom and Fran, started further purging and simplifying our stuff, bought new furniture, started going to a new church, became the nursery/preschool director for the new church, practiced my soccer mom skills driving various kiddos around, watched lots of dancing with the stars, etc etc etc. The list just seems to go on and on.
Most of the time I find myself very busy but blessed. Recently Aaron and I both have spent time talking about how blessed we are. God has not even come close to forgetting about us. We do not have every single thing we want but our needs have definately been met. I continue to be amazed at how God works in the details. He is ever so faithful to provide.

I hope that as things become more settled I can get back into a regular schedule of blogging and recording our lives. I will also post a recap of our honeymoon (I still have to dig thru and edit the pictures). I also want to post some thoughts on this first year without Grandmother, next week will mark one year since she went to be with Jesus.

Half and Half

Not that I havent known it for awhile now (some would argue quite awhile) but I'm getting married in a week! A week, one week, seven days.....wow!
It's funny to realize that we have been together for so long and have even been engaged for so long and the day is finally coming. I sit here this morning knowing that my life is about to change in a BIG way. As I think about it I find myself dealing with two major groups of emotions/feelings---on one hand I am excited, anxiously anticipating and on the other I am OCD thinking about all of the details and feeling a different type of anxiety over the ceremony and formality of the big day itself.
In the end I know it will be beautiful and we will be married. I just want to soak up these last few days of what I now know as my life. I want to slow down a bit and remind myself (once again) to enjoy the process.

As we enter into these final days/moments before our big day I ask that you pray for us. Specifically for me. Up until yesterday I have spent most of my time dreading being in front of people on my wedding day, I dont like to have people watching me. But yesterday as I faced the stresses of this process my heart began to ache. The ache that I felt was not a new one, it was the ache of missing my Grandmother. For the first time I not only knew she wasnt going to be there with me but I felt it. I missed her in a whole new way. Please pray that I do not allow that ache to overcome me, it is not what I want nor what she would have wanted. I miss her and I always will, this day and this time need to be looked upon with joy not sorrow.

Grief

Grief has a funny way of creeping in when you least expect it to. Earlier this week I found myself alone on the beach and wasnt sad in the least. I knew I had the time and space to deal with anything I wanted in any way that I wanted but the tears etc just never came.
Then there is tonight. I stayed up late to finish a book I started yesterday and as I closed the book this overwhelming wave of grief hit me. I got out of bed and came into the living room so that I wouldnt wake Lynn and also to get something for my dripping nose.
In the blink of an eye I miss nearly everything about her. I want her to come and hold my hand, run her hands through my hair, tell me she loves me and how proud of me she is. I want to walk with her on the beach, to share the joys of our upcoming wedding, to plan what we're going to eat for dinner, to sit and rock on the porch together. I want her to be here on this trip with me, to be there as I come home from trips and listen to all of my adventures. I miss her so much! I am amazed at the physical pain I feel in my chest as my heart hurts.
I know that she is in Heaven, finally healed and happy with Jesus, but on nights like tonight that does little for my wounded heart.
Right now I just want her back. I want what we used to have.

Beach Therapy

From the get go of this trip I have had mixed feelings. This is the first trip I have taken since my grandmother passed away in November. Trips were our thing, we went on nearly all of them together and when she couldn't go with me she tried her best to pay for part of my trip. With that being said I was not sure I was ready to take a trip without her, especially with Lynn who was the third sidekick, my other "funny lady".

Right away in the car we both admitted we were having mixed feelings about things but felt as if we needed to do this. One way or another we would make it through this new normal together.

It has helped somewhat that Lynn's friend Donna has made the trip with us. It is definately different and I still miss my grandmother something fierce.

I am grateful for the opportunity to make this trip with people who will allow me to process this as I need to. It has been nice to do things at my own speed (esp. since life has not done a lot of that this past year).

So far we have laughed and cried, played cards, walked on the beach, swam in the pool and enjoyed some great food and rest.

Fun with Friends

I appologize right now for the crazy pictures, I couldnt get them to go straight for me for some reason.

Since I am no longer working and the construction/remodeling at Grandmother's is slowing down I have finally had a few moments to spend with friends.

Several nights ago my friends Brandon and Jennifer came over with thier girls to play in the sprinkler and hang out. We had a great night of fun together!

On the last weekend in June we drove down to Old Fort for Jonathon and Rena's wedding. We had a great time and enjoyed getting to see our Chrysalis friends!

This past weekend my former college roommate, best friend and "sister" came up for a visit. We had a great time catching up, wedding planning, and hanging out together. I can't wait for her to come back in just a couple of weeks!!

Tomorrow I am looking forward to a fun day of family and friends as we celebrate the Fourth of July! The coming weeks will also be filled with many visits with friends. I will be sure to post often including pictures. Happy Fourth of July everyone!

26

In honor of turning 26 today I thought I would post 26 things you may not know about me or might just find interesting.

1) I once lived in a purple palace.
2) The word phlebotomist makes my skin crawl. I don't really like their job either since I hate needles.
3) I cant stand Sprite or Seven Up, reminds me of being sick when I was little.
4) I have a female cat named Bob.
5) I am obsessed with list making, specifically to do lists.
6) I have also become addicted to blog reading though I stink at updating my own.
7) I love to have my toes painted but only like my fingers done if they are done professionally.
8) I have nicknames for almost everyone I love.
9) If there were benefits involved I would run an in home daycare so I could play with little ones all day, every day.
10) Happy Hour at Sonic really does make my day!
11) I have several OCD issues, most of them relate to cleanliness and all of them involve my own stuff not other peoples.
12) I still get excited like a little kid over my birthday every year. I love to celebrate, hear from those that I love, and eat birthday cake w/buttercream icing!
13) I love to travel, especially with friends and family.
14) I miss my grandmother more with every passing day.
15) I am horrible about deleting emails, right now I have nearly 800 in my inbox.
16) I love to cross stitch, and crochet though I never seem to find the time to do either of them.
17) I would love a digital SLR camera.
18) I can walk on my knees.
19) I didnt get my drivers license until I was 19, and after my freshman year of college.
20) I have been to 9 different countries, a few of them more than once.
21) Sweettarts are my absolute favorite candy, especially the Chicks, Ducks, and Bunnies.
22) I have donated my hair 7 times now. I plan on donating at least 3 more times, probably more.
23) I read really quickly and have been known to finish an entire book in a day or two.
24) I love to swing.
25) I have been a Mountaineer since the sixth grade.
26) I am getting into healthy eating, but draw the line at soy milk and tofu.

She's with Jesus

Early this morning my grandmother went to be with Jesus.

Today has been very emotional and I know that the next few days will be even more so. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. This is not easy.

Right now I am sitting on grandmother's couch kind of numb. Overall I am at peace. She lived a wonderful life and is finally free from all of the pain. Yes it hurts, and yes I have cried. I am sure my time for shedding tears is not over. But I know that Jesus is looking after my grandmother now and who could do a better job than that?

Yesterday and today...

We went to the hospital again today. Even though Mom had called earlier in the day and given me a heads up I was amazed at the drastic difference from yesterday to today. Yesterday she was sitting up and talking, today she was sleeping and moaning/crying out. Yesterday she knew who each of us was and was able to tell us she loved us, today she was unaware we were even in the room. Yesterday she ate and drank, today she couldnt even swallow her pain meds (the only meds they are now giving).
Needless to say these are only a few of the changes we each witnessed today. Even though she was unable to talk with us or was even aware we were in the room we took turns going into her room and simply being with her. Some of us had things to say, others wanted to say goodbye. I found myself unable to leave her side. For the longest time I simply stood there and watched her. I was not exceptionally sad, I just needed to be there. I prayed, told her I loved her, and held her hand. After awhile I left only so that others could have their time with her. Wondering if I would get to see her again at all. Wondering if I would be ok if I didnt.
Yesterday I found myself at peace with the decisions being made and what they meant. Today I am not so sure.

Grief and prayers

Many of my posts from the last couple of weeks/months have mentioned my grandmother and how difficult life has become around here lately. After many, many years of sickness she has finally reaching the end of her time here on Earth. She is in an indescribable amount of pain and knows that there is nothing the doctors can do to heal her problems. Our family has watched her condition deteriorate over the last couple of months into areas we never thought we would have to go. This whole process has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. My grandmother is probably the closest family member I have. While I have known for years that it would be difficult for me to process her passing I never imagined that things would be like this. It is so hard for me to watch her suffer and not be able to do anything about it. She is such a strong and independent person. Losing the ability to walk and care for herself has been very difficult.

Please be in prayer as our family works through these last few days my grandmother has to spend on Earth with us. Pray that we would do things honorably by her and not try to act selfishly out of our pain. Pray that we know what we need to do or say and that we can adjust to medical help coming in to help us during these last few days. Pray that when the time comes for her to pass that things go as smoothly and painlessly as possible. And pray also for our family as we look at facing the holidays without a very important and dear family member.

There is so much that I love about my grandmother! More to follow on that when time and energy allows.

I will try to post updates on her condition and how you can best pray as I am able. If you do not see a post from me know that it may be as much from exhaustion or lack of words than from something major happening.

I dont know how...

I had a great time tonight with my mother. We got together this afternoon and went over to Asheville for the bridal show. It was fun going around and seeing all of the vendors and what was available. It was fun to be able to share it with my mother.
I came home bubbly and happy, wishing to share it with my grandmother, Lynn, and a few others who were at my house. In all of the fun I had all night I had managed to temporarily forget all of the troubles going on at home before I left. Grandmother tried to put on a smile for us as we came home and listened to a few of the "highlights" from our evening. And then she let loose...
With no warning at all I became the target. Most of the time I am able to deflect the pain from these jabs, knowing deep down that it is not her. But tonight it hit me, and it hit me hard. I came out of her room where she had told me to "back off" and began to cry. I came downstairs, fell to the floor beside my bed and sobbed.
Even as I sit here now the tears fall.
I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to sit back and watch her suffer. I dont know how to keep the jabs from hurting. I want to be able to share my life with her, to turn to her just like I always have been able to. To feel and not just know that she loves me. I dont know how to watch the person that I have been closest to my whole life die. And worst of all to die so slowly and painfully. My heart (and right now the rest of my physical body) hurt so very deeply.