I dont know how...

I had a great time tonight with my mother. We got together this afternoon and went over to Asheville for the bridal show. It was fun going around and seeing all of the vendors and what was available. It was fun to be able to share it with my mother.
I came home bubbly and happy, wishing to share it with my grandmother, Lynn, and a few others who were at my house. In all of the fun I had all night I had managed to temporarily forget all of the troubles going on at home before I left. Grandmother tried to put on a smile for us as we came home and listened to a few of the "highlights" from our evening. And then she let loose...
With no warning at all I became the target. Most of the time I am able to deflect the pain from these jabs, knowing deep down that it is not her. But tonight it hit me, and it hit me hard. I came out of her room where she had told me to "back off" and began to cry. I came downstairs, fell to the floor beside my bed and sobbed.
Even as I sit here now the tears fall.
I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to sit back and watch her suffer. I dont know how to keep the jabs from hurting. I want to be able to share my life with her, to turn to her just like I always have been able to. To feel and not just know that she loves me. I dont know how to watch the person that I have been closest to my whole life die. And worst of all to die so slowly and painfully. My heart (and right now the rest of my physical body) hurt so very deeply.

whew!

I cannot believe that it has been so long since my last post. I am grateful for those of you who still take the time to try and check in on my life. It means so very much to me to see your sweet and encouraging comments.

Life has been very very busy lately. I have loved EVERY minute of having Aaron in Haywood County with me!!! I think I had forgotten how wonderful it was to have him around all the time. I have yet to tire of seeing his handsome face or wish that he had something else to do instead of come see me :). We are both looking forward to enjoying this new stage of life as we prepare for our next stage of life...marriage!
I am still not finished with my thesis:(. I did complete and present my final presentation, which went really well. Now to just force myself to sit down and work on that pesky paper. I have faith that God will see me through until the end. I cannot wait to report to all of you that I am finished!
My awesome bro-in-law to be is taking his turn as a patient in the hospital in Winston right now. While I have not been able to be with their sweet family physically I have spent many moments on my knees in prayer for his full and speedy recovery. Christal has been amazing at updating everyone on their family blog thegieses.blogspot.com I am continuing to pray for God's healing hands upon Sean!
My grandmother is holding steady right now. She is still in a lot of pain and has many ups and downs. We should find out in the next couple of days whether or not Hospice will be coming in to help. Please continue to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers as this is not an easy journey for any of us.

Well I'm sure that doesnt cover everything but I hope that it offers a bit of insight into what life is holding for me right now (and possibly excuses my lack of posts recently)

Thesis update

Not that anyone has asked (I'll try not to be offended) but I thought I would get on and post a quick thesis update. As of this afternoon I have completed two of the five required chapters. Hopefully the productivity will continue since I really need to have all chapters finished by Thursday. If I am able to finish by Thursday that gives me a week to make corrections and finalize my powerpoint presentation.
Please continue to pray!

squeeky clean!

I have discovered the secret to having squeeky clean teeth painfree!!! Since having braces nearly a decade ago I have developed some mild/moderate tooth sensitivities. Along with these new pains came a new dread of the dentist. Each visit seemed to be more painful than the last. Two visits ago my dentist mentioned that there was something they could do to help me with the pain. In my head I was wondering why they hadnt said something before--it had been very obvious that I was in pain during the cleanings. So for the last two visits they have rubbed some sort of numbing gel over my gums. This does not completely remove ALL of the pain, but man does it help! I can now enjoy my squeeky clean teeth in comfort :)

wonderful week

Those two little words have been spoken several times today. Normally I would not have paid much attention to them and may have even shrugged them off. Today I really felt God speaking to me through those two little words. I felt like this week really would be different, that it really would be a better week, a wonderful week.
I am praying that this week is not only wonderful but productive. I also pray that this week is wonderful for all of you (my few but wonderful) friends who take time to read my thoughts.
God's blessings!!

steven curtis chapman & the biltmore house

Well I had hoped to write out a lovely post full of all sorts of information about my visit with Abby and our trip to see the Biltmore House and Steven Curtis Chapman however, I cannot seem to find time to do so. So for now my dear friends you will have to make do with some pictures from the day and the knowledge that life is still very busy for me. I would appreciate any and all prayers as I strive very hard to finish my thesis, start back to work, and be there for my grandmother and family. Only a few more weeks of this absolute craziness!

I had a lot of fun taking pictures of the flowers! The photo of me holding a flower was taken because "George" the bee was sitting inside of it. :)

After singing his first song, Steven gave us all "permission" to stand up and take pictures of the beautiful sunset God created that night. It truly was amazing to experience the first ever Christian concert there at the Biltmore House looking out over all of God's wonderful creation.

stress and hope...

The last few weeks have been very stressful to say the least. I have spent many hours stressing over my thesis (though few actually getting to work on it), many hours doing things for my grandmother or getting her to where she needs to be, as well as a fair amount of time finishing up my last real grad class and dealing with other various family issues. I still do not have any of my thesis written (I am working hard on that today!) but have looked into what my options are as far as finishing it with or soon after the rest of my cohort. More than anything I want it to be finished and over with so that the pressure and stress surrounding it can be relieved. I am ready to look forward to spending time planning a wedding and hanging out with my family and friends. I am ready to enjoy all of those parts of life I have put on hold until grad school is over.

As I sit and look at my to do list today and know all of the pressures that are on me I cannot help but feel hope. Hope has been one thing I have been lacking in recent weeks. At times things around me felt so heavy and dark that while I knew I would not be stuck in this place forever I could not seem to see for myself how to push forward and I did not like the options I saw in front of me. I don't know that I have ever felt so down and defeated, so hopeless and scared.

I do know that God has surrounded me with the most wonderful family and friends who have done nothing but offer many ways to support me and push/drag me through this time in my life. I know without a doubt that I would not be where I am with out you and am so very thankful for the role that each of you play in my life. Continue to pray for me and my family as we are not completely out of the dark yet. Even though it is a small thing to some, this new found hope and joy is a welcome comfort and motivator for me. It is a reminder that my God has a hold of me and my circumstances.


side note: I will post soon several pictures and also a bit about the Steven Curtis Chapman concert this past Friday night at the Biltmore House.